


love me out loud

by cityofflights



Series: Office Hours [3]
Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Coming Out, Internal Conflict, M/M, Secret Relationship, supportive frienships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-17
Updated: 2021-03-17
Packaged: 2021-03-25 14:21:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,114
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30090426
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cityofflights/pseuds/cityofflights
Summary: Sonny struggles with coming out, Rafael is a supportive boyfriend and Amanda just wants her friend to be happy
Relationships: Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr. & Amanda Rollins, Rafael Barba/Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr.
Series: Office Hours [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2023336
Comments: 8
Kudos: 37





	love me out loud

**Author's Note:**

> so the initial idea for this was just Amanda finding out Sonny and Rafael were dating but I somehow got sidetracked in the process and this is what came out, either way I hope you enjoy it

The knock on his office door broke Sonny's focus on the case files he was working on but the annoyance rushing to his head vanishes as soon as he sees who had interrupted him, a beaming smile replacing the frown that had been fixed in his face for the bigger part of the afternoon.

"Raf, what are you doing here?"

"Well, you brought me dinner while I was working late nights times enough, though I'd repay the favor" he gestured with his head to the take-out bag in his hand.

Sonny quickly stood up making grabby hands which made Rafael lightly chuckle. He passed the bag and got a soft kiss on his forehead as a thank you.

He pushed the one chair he had for guests closer to his own so they could be as close together as possible while sharing the food. It wasn't exactly a dinner at a fancy restaurant or a night out on the town but Sonny still felt as happy as if it was. Whenever he got to spend time with Rafael his whole mode improved, he felt calm and safe, as if nothing could get to him while inside their little bubble.

They were half-way through their food when someone else came knocking on his door. Rafael made to move away but Sonny laid a hand on his arm, silently asking him to stay next to him. He knew why Rafael wanted to put some space between them, after all not even two weeks ago they had a long conversation about Sonny coming out to his colleagues and if he was ready to deal with the implications of that. When he said he wasn’t sure he was in the mental space to do it just yet, Rafael had been nothing but respectful and supportive so of course, he was now doing just that. It would already be hard to justify what he was doing in Sonny’s office at those hours and having dinner nonetheless. Their proximity would only add wood to the burning fire of office gossip which was the last thing Sonny wanted.

But he found he didn't want Rafael to move away despite all that. He wanted to keep him near, show him he wasn't afraid (which he was) nor ashamed (which he wasn't).

"Come in" he shot Rafael an encouraging smile as if he was the one who was internally freaking out. He smiled back, albeit a bit confused but stood in the same spot.

Turns out it was just Amanda, who while with a surprised look on her face only stopped for a few seconds before speaking "Sorry counselor, didn't know you had company" her eyes travel from the half-empty take-out containers to their closeness. There's something in her eyes, a mixture of resignation and understanding.

Rafael is restless beside him, fidgeting with his hands, his eyes darting between Sonny and Amanda. When no one says a word he stands up and clears his throat.

"Right, I was on my way out anyway. Have a nice evening, Detective, Counselor."

The tightness and formality of Rafael's voice, such a deep contrast to the soft and sweet whispers they had been sharing all night makes his stomach drop. He hates feeling like he has to live a double life, hates that he made Rafael feel like his affections couldn't be shared out loud in the daylight. When he thinks about being out to everyone, the overpowering emotion that runs through his veins is fear. Fear of disappointing his family, fear he’s far too old to make these types of discoveries and won’t be accepted by the community, fear of the conflicts it could bring up with his religion, not only with his priest but with himself having grown hearing all the demonizations about queer people. Most of all fear people will look at him and not see Sonny anymore, as if this piece of information about his identity could change the perception of his whole being.

But then he thinks what being out would mean for him and Rafael. Being able to take him to family functions, hold his hand and hug him without looking over his shoulder, kissing him in front of their friends. He doesn’t want his fear to prevent him from loving Rafael like he deserves to be loved.

Loudly

Publicly

Fully

In the time that it takes him to make up his mind, Rafael crosses his office and reaches the door. He too stands up, startling Rolins who had been watching Rafael make his way out. “Wait”

They both turn to look at him and for a fleeting moment Sonny regrets his decision, but the spark of hope he can see in Rafael’s eyes makes him walk to him and take his hand before turning to Amanda “We’re dating. Have been for a while, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner I didn’t know how”

His heart feels like it’s about to jump out of his chest with how fast it's beating and not even the tight hold his boyfriend has on his hand calms him down while he waits for Amanda to say something.

After what feels like hours she lets her smile grow, her whole face fiercely proud, of him for speaking his truth or of them for finally getting their heads out of their asses and getting together. 

“I’m happy for you Sonny. and you too Barba. And you don’t have to apologize for not telling me sooner, it’s your life you chose when it’s the right time to do it. But really it was about time you too did something more than throwing longing looks when you thought the other wasn’t looking”

She goes around them to get to the door and right before she leaves her whole face darkens as she fixes Rafael with a glare that could rival his own “You hurt him, you’re dead meat” and just like that her southern charm is back “Okay, see you boys later, have fun” 

The last thing they see before the door closes is her wink and a smirk. As he turns to Rafael he lets out a breath he didn’t realize he was holding “Well, that went exponentially better than what I expected”

“I know you were worried cariño, but I told you Rollins would be nothing but acceptive. The same goes for the rest of the squad”

“Yeah, maybe you’re right”

“I usually am” the smug tone earns a half-hearted eye roll from Sonny who pulls him by their still connect hands back to the table

“C’mon let’s finish our food and go home”

“Home, I like the sound of that” 

And so did Sonny.


End file.
